Originally written the 2023rd year after death, September 24th, in analog format.
PREFACE
im a f####t. (the i is dotted with a heart)
Right before the last day of school in 11th grade, a social worker I had to meet weekly because of how fucked up I was encouraged me to reach out to this one girl who's been unusually nice to me for some reason. We were in the same [LANGUAGES] class before I pussied out at the very end and dropped the course, so there was a group chat that everyone was in where we would give each other answers and complain about the unnecessary workload of the class, up until there was a snitch that fucked everything up.
Dumb tangent aside, I decided to text her completely out of the blue the night before the last day of school and thank her for all the random acts of kindness she did not need to do, such as giving me Lindor chocolates for holidays, including me in group assignments, etc. When I sent it I was shaking like fucking crazy, shivering in my timbers. Did I fuck up my already non-existent reputation even further by doing this cringy ass thing? There were a lot of thoughts flowing through my head after I sent it. I almost didn't sleep at all.
...to my surprise she sent back a nice text the next morning thanking me for even remembering that she did all those things. I read it while helping a senior, letting him hide his promposal poster behind me. I wasn't expecting that at all.
Eventually we started texting a bunch over the summer about a bunch of stuff like jobs, music, fucked up sleep patterns, etc etc. Then eventually I got comfortable enough to vent (sus), which was the first time I ever did to anyone. It was so cathartic that once I began texting her I had a full on nosebleed in bed. Blood was everywhere. It was so fucking stupid lol. A week after that in July we met in person and walked around a park for about an hour, even though it must've been 98 or so fucking degrees out. It was fun.
12th grade soon started and we were in a Sociology class together, which so far was the best class I've ever taken. No exaggeration or irony! It was dubbed the Breakfast Club of classes, since it broke down the clique-y aspect of high school and got people talking to each other that they would never expect to. I dunno I can't speak English well. But yeah. It's hard to describe how much fun that class was and how grateful I am to take it. It was so fucking awesome. I miss it so much. There was also powderpuff where I cheerleaded and slayed. I got called a t#anny by a hot cheeto girl but I laughed it off. 12th grade was also the first grade in high school I didn't sit alone at lunch. Good times.
Once sociology ended and a bunch of other stuff I won't delve into to try and protect everyone's anonymity, the friendship was starting to die down. There was not much left to talk about.
Late May. After months straight of experiencing the "best years of my life", experiencing the not-so-eternal eternal youth, I knew it was all gonna come to an end and aging and responsibility was right around the corner. To ensure my youth was really gonna stay eternal, I was going to fucking kill myself. End it all before it all goes to shit. I didn't believe in a future. In retrospect it all sounds so fucking cringy and emo but at the time I was dead serious. Jump from room 6XX (a three story drop), land on my head and break my neck on the second to last day of school. Hell or nonexistence sounded better than a stagnant shit life.
Knowing she'll feel guilty since she's pretty much the last person I talked to, I decided to text her one last message out of the blue at 2 AM. "if anything happens to me tomorrow, just know that it's not your fault." After sending that, I decided to work on my public speaking final. I don't know why. If I was going to kill myself why work on an assignment? To tie up one more loose end to not seem like a slacker? Just in case the attempt fails and I do have to continue? Did I text her because I'm a stupid, egotistical, unworthy cunt, some scum of the earth that craves attention? I still don't know. The last one seems possible. Anyways, after a half hour or so of working on the speech I checked back on my phone. For some reason I had reached a flow state working on this assignment, like it was the most important thing in my life. I didn't expect to see any notifications since it was so late in the morning.
...
3 missed calls. About a dozen messages.
Even though we hadn't texted for months prior, she texted me the same minute I sent that text. God, I felt like such a prick.
I explained to her what I was going to do. She tried to console me, saying that she'll always be there for me, etc. Like always, I cried. Thinking about it now, I knew these were her attempts to stop me from ending it, by giving me some sort of hope for the future. It helped a lot, but now I know these were only statements just to keep me holding on for a little bit longer. I don't know how to describe it. I'm getting tired of writing this.
So yeah. I managed to finish my public speaking final the morning it was due, pulling like two all nighters in a row. The teacher said it was the best speech I've given. And then that's it. Graduation, yearbook signing, then prom. We said hi to each other and that was it.
No wait I forgot something on the last day of school. Once the last bell rung and 12th grade was officially over, she came up to me and said,
We should hang out sometime this summer.
She also wrote it in my yearbook, along with wishing me 1000x happiness.
We never saw each other again after that. I caused her so much pain. She's helped me out so much over that whole year, helped me through all my struggles, but what did I give in return? nothing. I decided to ghost her and block her on everything. I thought it would be best. I'm such a fucking cunt. A fucking dreg. All I did was worry her and drag her down. The friendship is dead.
The whole time we were friends, I couldn't quite put into words how grateful I was to have you as a friend. Thank you so much, C. For everything. You've helped me through a rough time of my life and I am forever grateful. I'll remember you until I die or get a brain deteriorating disease or whatever else. Thank you.