Sincerity is a stranger I'm too afraid to meet
A life trap I set myself
Obnoxious arrogant dumb fuck
I know what doesn't make me great is all that I'm made of
- HOAX
I don't know why, but there's been a pulsating pain in my head that's impossible to ignore or treat. Sometimes I would just spend minutes pushing my head into the wall and looking down, since it treats the pain a little. I also took an antidepressant for the first time in 4 days, but it didn't do much. Womp womp I'm a faggot
Anyways let's delve into the main topic of this post.
Hell or nonexistence, the only two possibilities that await me if I did go through with this plan. Possibility of this plan being carried out? Currently lower than it was before but never zero. Reasons? A ton:
- I'm a fucking pussy that can't quite cope
- The state of the world, economy, stupid systems
- Loneliness, not quite fitting in no matter where I am, how fucked I am in every aspect of life since I have no connections, the negative feedback loop
Thinking about it now, another alternative to suicide would just be disassociating from everything and just going through life with absolutely nothing in your mind. Just slowly wait for the relief of death. Mental suicide. Go through the motions, convince yourself that you're just watching all this through a TV. Everyday's the same.
Maybe I should just go to a show and get fucked up. Don't block any of the punches and take it. Look how I squandered my opportunity. Pathetic fucking cunt. And if I don't end it soon the rest of my life will just be wasting away. Spending every day just trying to wade off an inevitable death. Going to work looking forward only to the end of it. Thinking for the rest of my life about my regrets, the could'ves, the should'ves, the would'ves. Thinking about all the other ways my life could be right now if I did just one thing differently, all the scenarios. I feel utter self-destructiveness right now. Crash my car into a tree or jump off my college's business building. If I was brave I'd hack myself into chunks. I wish I was in a band. But who cares. Who the fuuuuuck cares! You're just not right for this world. Everyone's more connected now than at any other point in history, yet you've still found a way to be lonely. Ha! This dehumanizing loneliness feels liberating. A suicide around the corner feels liberating. Like I could do anything I want and it wouldn't matter since I will be dead soon. I wouldn't have any anxiety, I'm in control of my life since I have control over my death. I think I'm getting too ahead of myself. Mutilate me in public.